adamthyst Posted February 3, 2019 Report Share Posted February 3, 2019 (edited) Alright so, I've been dealing with my own issues and depression for about 3-ish years now. All of these are feelings of loneliness, self-image issues, and just not believing in myself in anything, even sometimes the things that I love. Most of this stems off of a toxic relationship I had at the same time I started feeling that way. To sum it all up, I stayed in it because I wanted to make it work and because it was my first relationship, but the girl and I were way too incompatible and I just didn't feel a sort of connection to her. She was the one who took my virginity, etc. but that's not really what got me, I felt used for sex cause that's literally all we did. I never really felt happy with this person, and when I got out of it I was happy, but I was so upset. I started having depressive thoughts later, and didn't believe I could actually be with anyone else or that I'd never get in a relationship where I actually felt a deep connection to someone. Like, hooking up is fine, but I still felt that way. I hooked up with another person about a few months after all of that shit ended, and after I got ghosted, I took a spiral down and my feelings of loneliness increased. So 3 years later, I go to MAGFest and meet up with a friend of mine cause she wanted me to buy her alcohol at the time since she wasn't 21 at the time. I do that, meet up with her and I meet a ton of her friends in her hotel room. There was one in particular that I found real cute and stuff, but I was like "Nah dude, you couldn't get with that" to myself. So I'm trying to get to know people (cause I want con friends, etc.) and I noticed my homegirl got pulled aside by the one girl I'm talking about. We're all having small talk, etc. and that person starts blatantly hitting on me and I'm like "Woah " but since I'm shy as hell, I don't really do anything with it. We leave to go party and etc. so while we're waiting and stuff in a hallway, my homegirl pulls me aside and was like "Dude, she's been eyeballing you and shit all day, go talk to her." Let's just say I was too shy to do that and I can only talk to girls while I'm kinda drunk. I tell myself that I'll try again tomorrow, etc. repeatedly but I could never find that girl or only ran into her a few times after that. So I'm like... "Shit I should've shot my shot" and just shake my head at myself. So the con ends and a day or 2 after it, I'm about to get off work and I had a few missed calls and texts from my homegirl. I look at them and she's like "Where the *Censored* are you? This girl is dead ass about to be in town cause she's visiting me, you better come shoot your shot" and I'm like nervous and not prepared. So I respond that I'll go with her, and she basically wingwomans for me to the girl, and it was almost like a double date at dinner cause my homegirl brought her BF with her. So myself and the girl go to the car so she can get some bags and stuff and she was like "Well I wish I got to talk to you at MAG because I think you're really cute and wanna get to know you" and shit. So I got her number and on the way home she starts texting me and shit, asking if I wanted to smash. I said yeah so they drive us to my house and I turned on some anime and we smashed. Also, originally, she was supposed to only stay for a day, but while we were texting in the car I was being playful and said like "Well if you stayed I'd make you dinner" and all that stuff, but she agreed to purposely miss her bus home to stay a little more with me. So that happens, and things are happening SO fast. Like, feelings and emotions wise. She actually treated me so much better than my ex the couple of days we'd been hanging out and having sex, letting out both of our vulnerable sides and etc. Come time for her to leave, I ask her out and we date briefly. She comes back after leaving and she isn't really letting me get closer to her, etc. and I'm not sure why. So we broke it off early (she asked) because she said that she had so much shit going on in her life that she isn't ready for a relationship right now. We both also agreed we took things way too fast but still wanted to be friends. We're still friends, but I learn more about all the shit going on in her life and her baggage: sexual assault trauma and a lot of other mental health issues. She still visits sometimes and we talk, but man... I actually have legit feelings for the girl and I'm like... I know that she has to help herself get past her trauma and etc, and I told her I'd be there for her when she needed it. But man... everything feels like it was terrible timing. I know I shouldn't have asked her out after a few days, but my emotions were pretty high and so were her's, and I acted on them. I learned a lesson there, but I still can't help but feel alone and still wanting to be there with her.. I don't wanna sit here and wait for her, cause I'm just not gonna let these feelings and my loneliness eat away at me. I think there's room for stuff to happen in the future, but I'm just... not really sure what I need to do at this point. We're friends, yeah, but I still have these feelings and I don't wanna get too attached to her, etc. There's just so much shit going on in my head right now that I need to help get myself together and still remain close to the girl... Edited February 3, 2019 by MOBethyst.™ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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