Thanks for the messages.
I don't really care anymore if it's embarrassing and I don't like to express it, I feel like I'm attention seeking, but you know what the thing is? Life has been really hard for me for a very long time. I've been stressed out since I was 3 and started worrying about my place in life and also having to deal with the fact that one day I'll die and I've basically been alone since then. I've never had a birthday party. I blame and despise myself for not being able to figure out how life works. Then I made a friend. Then she died.
This study year, since September, I finally started to actually improve in life and be super social and connect to people and then corona happened and I've been stuck at home since and I lost all of that. By myself again. Some years ago, I stayed inside out of free will, now it's forced upon me at the exact moment I really didn't need it. It's unfair. A lot of things in life are, I'm aware. But honestly, right now, I give myself until the final chapter of One Piece gets released. Probably some years away, maybe 2, maybe 5. If things are still shitty by that time, I'm dead the second I'm done reading it. I don't have confidence there's anything in life in store for me and beyond One Piece, there's nothing in it I can look forward to. I'm not even sure if I can make it until the end. I'm in contact with professionals, but I don't tell them that part. I'm just really tired of waiting for better days, if even only to experience a single one and then not even getting that. Good days aren't owed to anyone. It's never guaranteed I can turn it around. But I can't deal with that fact either. Not anymore.