ANTI-

My best friend is half-Puerto Rican but didnt really try to learn Spanish until about 2 years ago. Paid for Rosetta Stone and everything, and just couldnt get it. He got frustrated to the point that he quit. Ive been speaking Spanish my entire life..it was actually my first language, so I find basic Spanish easy as hell. The only really frustrating thing is that Spanish is different everywhere. Even just Puerto Ricans, Mexicans and Cubans have different words for everything and communication between them becomes difficult if you havent hung around them your whole life. I remember a conversation with Pentagon Jr that I had years ago where he understood everything I was saying but I didnt understand half the shit he was saying because I didnt really grow up around Mexican people. Lol

My life is in kind of a weird moment right now with the ups and downs. I am still gonna try and swing a trip to Queens, NY this Friday to catch that Stardom show. Have to wait til direct deposit hits on midnight the day of to book train tickets because all my major bills hit on the 1st. Slipped my mind that Takeover before Mania is on a Friday so Im gonna miss that, because Im gonna be on the train back home. Oh well. But yeah, taking like a 2 or 3 day trip to Florida in another 2 weeks because my grandfathers health has been bad and all the grandchildren are out there for the first time in years, minus myself, and my mother wants us all there for maybe the last opportunity at full family pictures. And this is after finding in the past few days that one of my uncles has cancer really bad, to the point where if his pre-chemo treatments dont have the desired effect, they give him up to a year left to live. If all goes well, he can stick around for up to 10 more years. He just retired 2 years ago and this just sucks. I dont know what to make of it all. Staying positive isnt easy when shit just keeps falling apart around you that you cant control, and just fall flat on your face when you do try to take control. Overall, its exciting to sort of fly by the seat of my pants and travel here and there within short periods of time, including New Orleans about a month ago, and feel like an important person when I dont really have the money lol, but then 2 people I love have been on a major decline, health-wise.

Megadeth- This Day We Fight!

I've been listening to Joey "Coco" Diaz's podcast, "The Church of What's Happening Now", for a little while now. I had fallen behind a few episodes, but listened to the latest one at work today. When it was over, it went to the one from last week, and I had to find out through there that comedian Brody Stevens had committed suicide on February 22nd. Dude, I had no idea. I used to watch videos of his podcasts all the time....he was also friends with Joe Rogan and Brian Redban and I would see him on Redban's Ice House Chronicles occasionally. I had a crush on Esther Povitsky at the time, and she was one of his friends and like his sidekick on his podcasts, so that was how I got into him. He had a lot going on, in terms of mental illness, but you really felt for him and wanted to see him get better and have his breakthrough one day and get everything he ever wanted. I guess it got the better of him in the end, as it does all too often. Things like that frighten me too...from Brody Stevens to Robin Williams to Chester Bennington....it's like you fight mental illness and you fight it and you fight it and you always make it out on the other end eventually.....but then one day you can't fight anymore. I dunno...I recommend checking out Joey Diaz's podcast #666 if you'd like to hear him and Redban discussing that and other things. I promise the podcast is usually hilarious, but yeah, I had to find out through that and at work and it just rocked my world for a little bit; it's so sad. Thank you. I appreciate it. I just hope I haven't been an annoyance on this forum. It's truly been a priviledge to be part of this forum. Of course not, brother, you've been great. It's just...man...there's no words for something like that. It's like I'm grieving right there with you, because you never want anything like that to happen to anyone in our community. This is like a family in itself at this point and anytime you wanna talk about anything, I'm here and I'm sure all of us are here also. Just make sure your kids always know what an awesome aunt they had or would have had.

Gang Starr- Moment Of Truth

Thank you Oh no; I cant even imagine what that pain must feel like. Im very sorry for your loss, brother. If I may ask, how old was she?She was 38 years old. She just had a birthday on March 5th. She had breast cancer that went into remission, but it came back. Then she had fluid in her abdomen. I'm still trying to come to terms with everything that's happened. Thats just plain awful man; she was still so young. Did she have any children? I cant even fathom the feeling of losing someone that close to me yet, and so young. Hard to find words but moreso I am here just to listen to anything you want to say or vent on things because thats all I can do. My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so sorry something like this had to happen. Life is hard enough as is.

Oh no; I cant even imagine what that pain must feel like. Im very sorry for your loss, brother. If I may ask, how old was she?

So sorry to hear this. The death of my grandfather years ago was kind of unexpected as well and I miss him so much to this day. I know it's hard, and it's gonna be hard for awhile, but try to atleast think of and cherish all the good and fun and happy memories you got to share in your time on this Earth together. If you love him this much, know that he loved you even more and must've been so proud of you and happy when you were around. There's really not much words that can be said to express that I know a little about how you're feeling and I'm here for you and my condolences are with you and your entire family. As someone who has had their share of knee problems in life, I absolutely feel your pain. It's so, so frustrating to feel like you've kinda recovered finally from a long leg injury, only to randomly reinjur yourself and start from zero and go through that long, depressing, painful healing process all over again. But you've done it before, you can do it again. You've survived everything in your life up to this point....you'll champion your way through this and just know to take whatever precautions you need to take in order for it to hopefully not happen again at any point this decade. lol. I wish you all the best. Please update us on how your recovery is going, if you got surgery, and/or how long the recovery process has been. I often wonder if surgery, albeit expensive, would fix like 15 years of problems in like 3 months healing time or something ridiculous like that lol

At one point they were out there offering free edibles on the street. Shit is wild. Lol

Stardom is coming to Queens, NY for a show on April 5th. I have had a 2nd row ticket to it for months now, and I dont think I can financially afford to be able to go anymore, so that kinda sucks. Just about everyone on the roster I really wanted to see is gonna be there, even Hana Kimura who isnt exclusive to them. I just had the New Orleans trip, then a bunch of my bills hit on the 1st, didnt really have the money for all of them, and am quite overdrafted right now. Lol. If, by some miracle, this gets sorted out and I make it, my year is made. Pray for me yall. Lol.

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It's a struggle. Every day I think of ways to do better or be better or make someone else's day better. For some reason it's always so much easier and comes much more natural to me to do things that help other people, and then, when I get to myself, everything becomes so complicated. I seem to be pretty well liked by everyone I work with, and I've told some of them that I am in awe of how much energy they have to maintain any kind of life at all after busting their asses at work. I'm spent and need to get away from everyone, and all thoughts of advancing my life go out the window....I just need to decompress more and more, the older I get. It's what finally, in my 30's, made me cave and consider counselling. Unfortunately, if you can't afford health insurance, each visitation is over 100 dollars, and they wanted to see me weekly...wasn't happening...but that's the bind I'm in. The success story has to kick in at some point..lol….if you only saw how hard I work... I've just always needed someone to kind of steer me in the right direction of where to go and help me to get there and I never really had someone like that. Things will be sorted out hopefully, sooner than later. I remain positive about the future because I've just survived so much to this point to not be strong enough to endure whatever hardship comes next. We'll see. Thanks a lot, brother. It means a lot that anyone would be willing to listen to my shit. I really never go on about what my life is like, because I never want to come off as complaining. Really, it was a lot of my poor decisions in life that led to my feeling like such a failure now. I was having one of the rougher days I've had [mentally] in a while, remembered this thread, and challenged myself to really just let it all out....the bad and good of my life right now. It goes both ways too, man. If you ever want to talk about anything and don't really know who to reach to, my inbox is always open....you can even hit me up on Twitter or something. Can't thank you enough for reaching out and for caring. Thanks so much for reaching out and for the positivity. I can't find words for the responses other than that I truly, truly appreciate it. It's weird...like I do what I can to help, but I'm not where I personally wanna be and I know they had much greater expectations for me and I had them for myself as well. I'm another one of those kids who was a star student turned burnout and eventually dropout because I just couldn't focus on things the way I used to and didn't know how to go about dealing with it. Difference is, back then, I refused any help....I refused it for a long time. Just got my ass to work, been working hard all these years and trying to help my dad out as much as possible and see my mom when I can. She has no problem get around on her own and taking care of what she needs to take care of. My dad kind of needs help with a little of everything...it's often frustrating but I love him so much that I just do what I can every day. They love me...they're proud of the person I am, I'm sure....but I know they're embarrassed to tell anyone about anything beyond that...like what I do for a living, that I don't have kids, I'm usually not seeing anyone at the moment.....I often wish someone else was their kid....someone they could actually brag about...and that is why I always remember my mother telling me about Joe's parents. It was only a couple years ago, but it hit home more than my aunts and uncles bragging to her about their kids or whatever. It was interesting to see what wrestling parents think of their son without them having reached the pinnacle of WWE yet. They loved him so much and were so proud to talk about him to her, from the impression I got from my mom. I want that feeling. I want to know what it's like to be that child whose parents can truthfully brag to everyone. I say 'truthfully' because they have told lies to people in an attempt to sort of make up things to brag about, then people see me around and ask me about things they lied about, and I gotta be like "No, that's no true at all....I did train to be a wrestler and did it for a little while but the school shut down, I got a job and that was that.....I did not travel the world and make all this money and give my dad a couple thousand dollars..."....shit like that. I mean, sounds great and all, but nah. Now I gotta feel like even more of a loser because I'm not doing any of these things they lied about me doing. lol. That's why I know they aren't actually proud of me. Don't do sheeit that leads to detention on your birthday. Problem solved. Happy Birthday, baddie Anti, I don't have the words this time man and the few I do have are repeats. Like the boys said though, reach out if you need to. We're a community and we look out for each other. Hopefully we can ease your mind if only a little You know what I will say this though. This doesn't work for everybody cuz it's easier said than done kind of like M3J's comment about striving to do better. In theory it's easy, that's all it should take but it's really not that easy for everyone to just hop up and be like "I'ma do better!" and then actually follow through Have you ever sat down and talked to your dad, like really talk to him. Lay it on him deep and hard, pause. Everything you told us just now about watching him slip away because he's unwilling to take care of himself, about your concerns surrounding your parents perception of you, and everything else under the moon he's willing to listen to. It might end up changing both your perspectives as well as change your lives *shrugs* wishful thinking maybe, but nobody should have to have that weight on their shoulders, the fear that your parents might not see you as good enough or as a "waste of parenting" I think is how you put it. Talk to your mom too. Get all sides' opinions and thoughts. Mine is that there's a reason you're still here and if your dad let himself go that much, you're the reason why HE'S still here. Let him know you're fighting from him because sometimes it's the simple sheeit right in front of your face that you're blinded to We've had conversations about some of the issues, but never just us sitting down and going through everything. Same with my mother. We even had a chance some months ago, because she came to visit me for my birthday and actually stayed with us at the house. We had several chances to just sit together and really air everything out, but I'm never one to try and draw attention to myself. I mean, she came for my birthday, we don't get as much time together as I would like, and I didn't want to turn it into this big, sad thing, y'know? She was saddened a little by what had become of my father since she'd left him back in like 2008. Something like that does need to happen. I want the chance to own up to every mistake I've ever made that landed me in the position I'm in, and I want them to help me get the help I need or find someone who can help me, because I'm just one of those people that doesn't know how to help themselves. I've come to terms with that. I felt bad about it for a long time, then I discovered it's a trait that is commonly seen among creative types. Like if Salvador Dali never met his wife Gala, he would've died a penniless, unknown starving street artist, because he just had no clue how to manage his own life or art or anything. Not saying I'm Salvador Dali, but I've always felt this immense potential in myself to do some amazing things if I somehow weren't just such a drained, desensitized sort of human being. Thank you for the response...I really want to see how to go about having that talk, once and for all. Thanks so much for the kind words. I strive every day to make atleast one person's day better or life easier. You can't really control much of what's around you, but I can try to control how I make people feel, and I never want people to feel as bad as I feel at times. I want to tell people the nice truths about themselves or constructive things or words of wisdom I wish someone would have told me as I was trying to find my way and am still. My parents don't really ever see or meet the people I've been around on a day-to-day basis. They only look at me and know I've always been a relatively kind son, but didn't go to college, hasn't given them any grandchildren, took longer to drive than most people, almost never has a love interest of note. It's like all the checkpoints of success that parents want from their children are things I have given them none of. It sucks. I'm getting it together though. I just hope they're still alive to see a time when their son is actually happy and excited about where he's at in life. Don't do sheeit that leads to detention on your birthday. Problem solved. Happy Birthday, baddie Anti, I don't have the words this time man and the few I do have are repeats. Like the boys said though, reach out if you need to. We're a community and we look out for each other. Hopefully we can ease your mind if only a little You know what I will say this though. This doesn't work for everybody cuz it's easier said than done kind of like M3J's comment about striving to do better. In theory it's easy, that's all it should take but it's really not that easy for everyone to just hop up and be like "I'ma do better!" and then actually follow through Have you ever sat down and talked to your dad, like really talk to him. Lay it on him deep and hard, pause. Everything you told us just now about watching him slip away because he's unwilling to take care of himself, about your concerns surrounding your parents perception of you, and everything else under the moon he's willing to listen to. It might end up changing both your perspectives as well as change your lives *shrugs* wishful thinking maybe, but nobody should have to have that weight on their shoulders, the fear that your parents might not see you as good enough or as a "waste of parenting" I think is how you put it. Talk to your mom too. Get all sides' opinions and thoughts. Mine is that there's a reason you're still here and if your dad let himself go that much, you're the reason why HE'S still here. Let him know you're fighting from him because sometimes it's the simple sheeit right in front of your face that you're blinded to I phrased it as a question because there could be reasons why he can't do better, and I didn't want him to think it was his fault or that I was blaming him. As mentioned Anti, you're doing as much as you can, and that's all anyone can ask of you. I'm merely wondering if you can apply to other jobs or get your degree or something to help you get better paying jobs. I can apply to jobs that are farther away and I can make more money at pretty soon. I have my little Geo Metro I can get places with now, and not have to split with my dad. That should be a big relief. Here's hoping. Thank you again.

I'm 31 years old, I'm very tired, and I'm letting everyone down. I joke around alot....I've been on the forums and laughed and cried and got super angry or super excited with all of you for years and years. I don't know what the perception of me is....I'm surprised if anyone thinks of me at all, and more surprised if anyone actually likes me...in this community and in life. I've suffered from depression ever since I was a child, so my outlook on the world around me has always been a little different than I ever wanted it to be. Had my first encounter with suicidal thoughts around age 13, and even then, it wasn't until my late 20's that it really got to a point where I was like "Holy shit, I see why this shit kills people.." It's bad...really bad...I can hardly focus on anything aside from when I'm at work...I get bouts of paranoia and worry all the time...I can't maintain any sort of relationships, even with my family, and I haven't in years, because all I can do after most work days (and after going to the gym and being around people, in general), is just go home and go to my room and stay there and be completely alone for as long as possible. That's why caw making is a good thing for someone like me.....it's the one thing I am kind of good at and can just sit in my room alone and do to escape the reality of what my life is. I'm at an age where I can't really escape anymore, and so I am thinking of riding off into the sunset, caw-wise, in the next year or two. I need to work on myself but I don't know how to, and it feels like it's just too late, and I just don't have the energy. I can't even afford the health insurance necessary to try to treat some of this shit, and yet I make too much for welfare to help out. It's a hell of a purgatory of mental illness I'm in. I live with my dad. He's getting up there in age, and retiring in another like 2 or 3 years. My mother lives in Tampa, Florida. It's tough living with my father and watching him age and his health gradually going bad and feeling like there's nothing I can do to help him or stop these things, because he doesn't want to take care of himself. Things like doing our laundry and having to run all his stuff separately and with a bunch of vinegar because all his pants reek of urine. I think he's developed a drug habit on top of all this. Glamorous stuff. I feel so responsible for everything....like maybe if they had adopted another child, that child would've had a normal life and my parents would never feel like they wasted their years of parenting and who knows....maybe they'd even still be together today. Nevertheless, I pay alot of the bills around the house. I feel so trapped, like I know they want what's best for me and they worry about me alot. As an only [adopted] child, there's so much pressure on me to be somebody, to be everything for everybody. I want to one day be a kind of person they can be proud of, and not just say they're proud of without really, truly meaning it. But I don't know what it takes to get there or if I have anything it takes anymore. Ever since my mother moved out to the Tampa, Florida area, she's been a hospice nurse. One day, few years ago, she texts me asking if I knew a wrestler who was named Samoa Joe. I said "Yeah, of course". He hadn't signed with WWE yet. Turns out she was taking care of his father for about a week. His mother asked my mother if she had any children who watched wrestling and that was that. My mom got an autographed poster to give to me too, but I never got it. lol. Anyway, I hope he knows just how effing proud his parents were of him. They were so proud to talk about him and how great he was and all his accomplishments. But, most importantly to the subject matter, patients aren't always the nicest. Especially Florida being the South, my mom has run-ins with a lot of mean and racist people who shout all kinds of things at her, and the job is tough enough as is. They were very nice and kind to my mother, and so, not like he needs my help, but if Joe and I are ever in a bar or something together and anyone tries to start shit with him, I'm taking the first swing. lol. I'll never forget that, and I strive everyday to somehow one day make my parents as proud of me as his parents were of him. I think his father would unfortunately pass away about a month or two later, just before Joe ended up debuting in NXT. But yeah, when you're a 31 year old dishwasher with a GED who didn't officially come out about his depression to his parents until he was 30 and the depression was very severe, it's a bit of an uphill battle, to say the least. Feels like just about the only positive thing they can say about me is I'm not a criminal or drug addict. And that's a one-time journey into my life and times..

bunch of [MSG Network] WWF shows from '84