ANTI-
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Posts posted by ANTI-
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So sorry to hear that about your grandmother, man. One of mine had some bad health scares as well this year, but is luckily doing fine now. I even went to Puerto Rico to visit and spend time with her, recently. Hadn't gone out there since my grandfather died 15 years ago. I hope your grandmother pulls through and has minimal lasting effects from something horrible like that.
I feel like I need to get a second (and probably final) sort of self-exposé writing exercise done, where I go on about good, funny, or bad things. So, to hell with it....let's do it...
"Gianna Michaels.." is my generic answer to most things.
I used to lie a lot. I was the kinda person who should never have social media or anything of the sort. I guess I was ashamed of who I was, how I looked, and my life in general, so I'd invent an alter ego (or plural) online for myself to live through, because I felt so much more comfortable in anyone's skin that wasn't my own. In person, I just always tried to fit in and failed miserably, or got in trouble for things others did carelessly because I was trying to be cool. I dunno, around your mid-20's, if not before, you come to the realization that who you really are is who you should've been all along. Unless who you are is a bad person in which case....fake it 'til you make it, by all means. I've worked very hard [from my mid-20's to now] to undo any and all times in which I lied or betrayed someone's trust in any way. I've literally just told the truth about damn near everything ever since, and tried to be the most helpful and encouraging person I could possibly be to those who come to know me. If I've ever lied to anyone reading this, I can't apologize enough, but I'm willing to continue doing so, and putting in the work to make sure you know it's genuine and sincere. I was/am a moron and I'm sorry.
I rang in my 32nd birthday in a mental hospital. Long story. Feel like the Joker. lol
I'm basically borderline asexual. Haven't had a realistic crush on anyone in years. Truth is I was raped and sexually abused alot from when I was about 2 to when I was about 8, by 3 different family members. You never hear guys tell stories like that unless it was a priest or something. It wasn't. lol. But I didn't make the connection until recently that I first got depression as this was going on, and I've been super awkward with relationships and really almost any kind of romantic or sexual contact ever since. These days I don't even really sexually act in any way unless I'm like.....super, super, super drunk. I don't remember a lot about my last New Orleans trip, but I drank a lot and took pills that I never took, hoping my libido would join the party, I'd black out, and wake up having hooked with someone....one of those stories, y'know?....didn't happen. Never again, though. I'm a control freak....I need to have more power over what I'm doing or where I am at all times. Maybe it's a Virgo thing. But again, if I ever broke anyone's heart or rubbed anyone the wrong way because I didn't know how to love or deal with affection or "put myself out there" properly, I can't apologize enough. I was/am a moron and I'm sorry. I try to be the best person I can be every day, and maybe one day I will be able to help those with stories similar to mine. I think I can.
I'm on meds and my brain feels clear for the first time in what feel likes decades. I don't know how to take it all in but here we are. That's what she said. Not really. I should jelq more..
I'm not a person who ever gets starstruck anymore but I feel like if I ever met Brian Pillman Jr, I wouldn't know what to say. Or Barack Obama. I would atleast talk to Jay-z or The Rock about investing and how to make a million and a half so I can spend that extra half on joshi merchandise.
I was supposed to go to Las Vegas in October, but then it got switched because boys will be boys. The AVN Awards are in like January or something, so we'll be there. And my Gianna line comes full circle.
I might be moving to Tampa again...
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I don't know what the opinion is on this person these days, but it seems to me like more and more people [than ever] are hopping on the Tessa Blanchard train, which I'm super happy to see. She's worked her ass off, come a long way, and is heads and shoulders above alot of her peers (to not have been in WWE) in terms of the total package....looks, speaking ability, confidence, workrate, etc. She has it, and it's just a bonus that she happens to be a Blanchard on top of everything else....she'd still stand out if she wasn't. There was a conversation some months ago about her maybe getting another shot with WWE, and I made a comment about how I loved her and was such a fan but that I had heard x, x, and x about her over the years. I love my parents but I can't say I have had any kind of strong guidance throughout my life, but there's a legendary Texas wrestler who used to sort of check me on social media every now and again, and I learn such a tremendous amount from him anytime he does, and I couldn't be more grateful to have had any and all interactions I've had with him over the years.
I basically learned that if I wasn't there for said incidents, I should never take anything as fact unless I hear approximately the same story from a good amount of people...ESPECIALLY in wrestling, where, who knows what political allegiances might come into play or who has a vendetta against who and is gonna spin the story a certain way. Also, dirtsheets are only gonna tell you the bad, unless there's some incredible humanitarian act that was worth noting. So, if all you keep hearing is about someone saying or doing things to get themselves in trouble, even if it's spaced out news over a couple of years, you're gonna assume the person is just a troublemaker. They aren't gonna tell you about the hundreds to thousands of fans on social media who met Tessa and talk about how kind and what a sweetheart she was. Funny how that happens, right? I guess the moral of the story is to focus more on the FACTS and on the positive things rather than just the tea all the time. Or atleast take the tea with a grain of salt at all times, unless you were there or got enough info from a reliable source to know the full story. If people pried into your lives the way you pried into theirs, what kinda dark shit would they uncover? I hope Tessa does end up in WWE sooner than later. Lord knows she's absolutely crushing it everywhere else she goes. End of article. lol
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I've known for a while. I was attempting to go in for counselling regularly last year around the time I got badly injured, and I just couldn't afford to keep going or to get insurance, so it stopped after a few weeks. I hit a sort of breaking point in life and I was just ready and determined to face everything I've been dealing with mentally that I felt was holding me back because I refused help my entire life. My mind was doing a lot of weird things that were beyond just what I had already been going through since I was a child. It's frustrating because, with depression, anxiety, a speech impediment...these are things I can see and feel and know that they're happening. With this, I don't really have a grip on it or know just how much it has been affecting my mind and for how long, or how much people can tell. I don't know. And I don't know how to tell anyone in my personal life, because I've disappointed people for so long, I feel...and now this? lol. But I promise this forum will not be my blog. I'm gonna check in occasionally for gaming matters or whatever, but this isn't at the point of no return yet...so it's my time to put in the work and not take any backward steps.
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Being diagnosed with schizophrenia (on top of the other things) is like a death sentence. You can treat it but there's no stopping it. I just want everyone to be happy and excited about life, where they're at, and what they're doing. I used to have the audacity to want that for myself too. And whatever you all do, just continue moving forward, while trying your best to hurt as few people along the way as you possibly can, on the path to achieving your own happiness. Atleast I have a weekend of good wrestling to try and focus on. I start treatment a few days after my birthday hopefully. You won't hear a lot of chatter out of me.
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If I could offer up some backstory, I was actually randomly talking to that Khaotic dude on Facebook as he was doing a live video in a group I'm in. That "Needle in the Haystack" song was playing in the background and I couldn't Shazam it, so I was just like "Yo that shit sounds catchy as hell. Who does that song?". He just kinda chuckled, panned out, and turns out he was in studio recording and mixing that song. I kept telling him it sounded like a hit and we started talking about what the video would look like. I searched every day for weeks for it to surface on YouTube so I could hear it better, and finally got it. The song reminded me of something, actually...
The last time I ever came close to loving a girl was a couple years ago. It was a very slow build...we were friendly...then we were friends...then really good friends... we made eachother laugh all the time....I really got the impression she was feeling me and that's not a thing that happens, so I was in a constant state of "Wtf, this is really happening? Someone is actually into me?" lol....I mean this girl managed to check every single box for me. I talked this girl up to my mother, who still lived Florida, for about 2 years, excited for them to meet one day. We started dating and things were a little awkward, but it still definitely felt like something special was happening and blossoming all the time.
Cut to my mother flying out to visit for the weekend of Mother's Day, after me not having seen her in about 3 or 4 years. There was this monthly latin music dance night at a popular local bar. The girl and I had actually gone to it a couple times. Sometimes some of her family was there as well, so I told my mom "Hey, you might finally meet this special lady because she might be there with her mom and some cousins..." And yeah, she was there......with another guy. I almost gave my heart to that. That was it for me. In front of my mother, too? I've had a sort of anti-gravity forcefield around me ever since, and probably always will. I was just done after that....haven't even really had a crush in years. Ya boy's paid some dues in the romance department, my brethren. And this was shortly after a suicide attempt. Talk about a banner year.
Anyway, cut to present day, I heard she quit her day job, became a mantenida to some poor soul, and thinks she's too woke to shave her armpits, on top of everything. Maybe it's God's way of telling me I won. lol. Nah, I hope she's happy with everything she has, does, and everywhere she goes in life. Because nobody ever came that close, and maybe nobody ever will. I wish all of you more love than you ever know what to do with....and that you never, ever have to feel the way I felt that day [and for maybe the next 2 years that followed]. I love y'all. ANTI- cares, if don't nobody else care. lol
Back to our regularly scheduled program...
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